| "Beneath My Hands" - Leonard Cohen |
[29 May 2005|07:04pm] |
Beneath my hands
your small breasts
are the upturned bellies
of breathing fallen sparrows.
Wherever you move
I hear the sounds of closing wings
of falling wings.
I am speechless
because you have fallen beside me
because your eyelashes
are the spines of tiny fragile animals.
I dread the time
when your mouth
begins to call me hunter.
When you call me close
to tell me
your body is not beautiful
I want to summon
the eyes and hidden mouths
of stone and light and water
to testify against you.
I want them
to surrender before you
the trembling rhyme of your face
from their deep caskets.
When you call me close
to tell me
your body is not beautiful
I want my body and my hands
to be pools
for your looking and laughing.
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[05 Dec 2004|08:54pm] |
i am not looking at you.
is it that you don't get it or is it that you don't care?
talking to a cute gay boy at a party on friday, a guy comes up and interrupts us. babbling slightly about computational linguistics, he ends with "...and the difference between humans and computers is that we can have sex."
pause. gay boy, "are you hitting on one of us?" laughing; i start laughing too.
the guy continues, hedging and maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. and "the problem with women is that they take everything the same way; either everything is sexual or nothing is."
i admit that i am oblivious to flirting unless it is painfully obvious. gay boy has my back. "so the problem with women is that they don't respond to your flirtations?"
umm. yes.
interrupted by another, "do you have a sec?" and the response, somewhat bitter: "sure, it's not like this was going anywhere."
(i do not understand flirting. i do not understand hooking up. but i do not understand relationships either.)
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[13 Nov 2004|11:48pm] |
i am so tired.
i was at work yesterday and this woman i've become friendly with asked me if i had a boyfriend. i told her no. she asked me if i thought one of the other guys who works here is cute, to which i replied yes. she told me i should go for it because personal relationships are important. i hadn't the heart to tell her i'm not as interesting as she thinks i am.
my brother's girlfriend was here briefly today and i bored her during smalltalk. hell, i bored myself too.
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[02 Oct 2004|12:09pm] |
i have the whole house to myself for two weeks and i am learning how to be okay with being alone for so long. i treasure the space if it is given for only a few days, but when it is here for longer i drown in it. even my cats are spending the days outdoors instead of curled up beside me on the couch.
i am busy making plans for the future in an attempt to avoid living in the present. i can't even focus on one future, on one plan; i am creating multiple universes, each fulfilling various goals that i have set for myself at one point or another.
i set up an appointment with the undergraduate counsellor in my department on monday in the hopes that he will both keep me grounded and reassure me that i have not fucked up too badly, that the possibility is still there and looking damn fine indeed. i have been worrying too much this past month about how to salvage everything, and i really just want to be told that it was not wrecked in the first place.
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[26 Jul 2004|11:26am] |
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our lack of conversation. so many missed trains. "i miss you" like a greek chorus. every so often, a short message sent out into what is as good as the ether. we live in the same country/time zone/city and it is not enough, although it is still something. i tell myself lies to keep breathing. i tell myself lies. i miss you. it is not enough.
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[03 Jul 2004|08:26pm] |
Summer summer summer.
(I need to go take more photos.)
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[02 Jul 2004|12:15pm] |
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because i want you to be happy, but what i really want is for you to be happy with me.
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[29 May 2004|01:42am] |
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i betrayed you by never telling you what i wanted.
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[20 May 2004|05:31pm] |
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it is hard to think clearly when my tongue is bloated with words stolen right from your mouth.
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[17 May 2004|01:57pm] |
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because the world is not black and white, babe. because there are a million shades of grey and ours in gunmetal. because it's not any worse, because it's just complicated, because it may even be better this way. because we don't know and that's okay. because the point is to search together, regardless of what we find in the end (assuming we find anything at all).
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[12 May 2004|04:30pm] |
it is getting harder and harder to breathe. with every day that passes, there is a new weight pressing down on my chest and i know that no one else would feel this weight but me. i worry too much about practical matters but i don't do enough to make sure there is nothing to worry about. fear trumps worry every time. and if there is one thing that i am it is afraid.
i am crying every few hours. this is not healthy.
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[20 Apr 2004|08:54pm] |
we lay down on the front steps of the university at 3 am and i remembered another night, other stars, lying not on concrete but a red rooftop. he was not there, then, but he would have been somewhere similar, and here is when i start thinking about star-crossed lovers and things like: we know each other, we have so much in common, we were meant to be.
but this is merely going through the motions. this is what it's supposed to be like (feel like), right? my heart is not here. my heart is not on that rooftop either, although i think i caught sight of it there, glittering out of the corner of my eye when i awoke to the sound of their prayers.
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[20 Apr 2004|08:38pm] |
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because really, what i mean to say is that i have no idea what i am doing.
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[20 Apr 2004|01:44pm] |
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i am trying to be strong. silence is not strength, but cowardice. it takes courage to stand up and tell the truth, i know this, but i don't know what my truth is yet. i've been figuring it out for years and am no closer to a conclusion. i am trying to be strong. i am trying to be my own rock. but part of what makes us human is our relationships, our connections to other people. i guess what is important is that you can be okay on your own, but so much better when you're not.
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[14 Apr 2004|01:24pm] |
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it is not enough to get in the lifeboat. i drink water to make myself drown.
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[04 Feb 2004|01:31am] |
it's not that i'm along for the ride, but if i'm not here, i can't figure it out. i don't know yet, i don't know anything, and you seem so sure and i have nothing to say in the face of that. because what you say sounds true and fuck man, i don't want to live like this, but i don't know any other way.
and yeah. i do feel. and i do question the validity of what it is i'm feeling because i have no fucking right, man. no fucking right. because i have no reason and dude, i say depression is just an excuse for sad people not to get their shit together so that i can get my own ass into gear. i'm not trying to pass judgement on others but on myself.
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[01 Feb 2004|03:48pm] |
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creepy people who only got your number so they'd shut up are NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL, dammit.
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[27 Jan 2004|07:59pm] |
i'm getting headaches again, nearly every day. nothing terribly bad, no intense pain like smashing my head against the wall, just a constant dull ache, uncomfortable. there was a period in grade seven when i didn't want to go to school so i faked migraines and trained myself to develop headaches on the spot, to make myself feel physically ill. because i'm a terrible liar but i can look miserable easily.
it's not my caffeine addiction and it's not a lack of sleep but it's there, sitting behind my eyes and at the base of my neck. and fuck, i've been doing this for so long i can't even tell if it's real anymore, if i hurt because i hurt or if i hurt because i want to, because i feel like i should.
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[26 Jan 2004|04:09pm] |
i am not here, i am not here, i am not here. you aren't here either, you're not breathing in my ear, you're not slipping your hand up my thigh, you're not doing this, no.
i can ignore the real world for so long, can slip into my mind and stay there. i create elaborate fantasies about how this would happen; i am a hero, i am a god, i am fucking beautiful and you are not here. it is not you.
and i blame you when it happens. i ignore you while you're there, retreat from physical reality because i fucking hate that plaintive look in your eyes, and in the days that follow i curse your name when it falls from my lips.
and the sad thing is that i am not letting you do this; i am doing this to myself.
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